beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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