i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
