DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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