the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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