I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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