he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
