last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
