A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
