Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i think my cat just said my name.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
