And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
