It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
