Will you blow on my dice?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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