I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
