Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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