seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
