I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
