new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
