I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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