I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
