Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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