he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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