I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol