nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.