I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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