I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I will be naked everywhere
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
