Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
