I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
