Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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