Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
