Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
