Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
