I wish I could punch you in the face.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
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And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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