blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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