why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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