when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
