I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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