I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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