Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
