I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
