i love accidental penises.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
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For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize