Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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