Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.