Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
