Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
