i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
