I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
