Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
