Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
