you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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