Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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