Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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