Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
