the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
