Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
