Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
