Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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