He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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