So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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