Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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