If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
