I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
