You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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