im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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