just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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