I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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