Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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