thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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